The accounting of failure
I have been reflecting about failure and loss recently. I have failed at achieving one of my self-imposed goals to exercise for 21 days straight. I almost made it, but on day 19, my back and my knees reminded me that I had entered another decade and that I had to take it easy. I have been taking it easy, self-indulging with my secret chocolate box and failing at meeting my nutrition goals. Also, I have not achieved one of my important team objectives for the year (for reasons outside of my control), and this delay has materially unbalanced my (team)mojo, even though other objectives have been met.
Honestly, I fail every day, I fail at journaling, I fail at preparing healthy breakfasts and meals, I fail at dropping the girls to school on time (even though we only live 10 minutes away), I fail at going through my to-do list, I fail at answering all these Slack messages, emails linger in my the cemetery of my inboxes and I fail at calling my mom back or scheduling a grooming appointment for Daisy.
A couple of weeks ago, two-time NBA MVP Giannis Antetokounmpo went viral when he was asked if he considered himself a failure because of his losses. His answer (that went viral) was on point and made me reframe success in my professional career. I started this post after being inspired by Antetokounmpo's answer and have long hesitated to share my reflections because they left me vulnerable. However, these reflections can be helpful for other professionals, other accountants and recent graduates (or anyone).
First reflection: a career is an ensemble of failures
My professional journey has been a long journey, with a lot of detours and beginnings. It is a mix of adventures and failures, speed bumps, figuring out and making the best of personal decisions. It has not been linear; sometimes on purpose because I wanted to try different things, sometimes because I was looking for a certain feeling of "home" (part of the trauma of being an immigrant).
Succeeding at a Big 4 includes becoming a partner. Some of my ex-colleagues are partners or managing directors. Thinking about it, my best chance at partnership was at my initial audit office. With the privilege of being bilingual, I was challenged and always booked on some ambitious engagements in various industries - which allowed me to develop my skills.
However, It wasn’t for me and I failed, burned out, took many steps back, explored, traveled and went back to it… It wasn’t the same, new countries, new cultures, new ego and this new feeling of being inadequate, of being “the other'' and not finding a home and having to start from scratch and failing at really wanting it.
It took me longer to get promoted, to learn new audit methodologies, to transition across different industries and learn, relearn so I could adapt, adopt to become "the adequate me" in my new environment. It was painful, it was tricky and in the end, I failed at wanting to be an audit executive. I wanted real accounting, I craved real operation and I wanted to be impactful and found this satisfaction when I joined my first startup.
After auditing banks, tech companies, not-for-profits, investment funds, funds of funds, public companies, hospitals, biotechs; after working on different engagements because I had failed at landing in permanent teams, all the knowledge gathered was beneficial in helping me build much needed structure in my first non-auditing job at a digital currency startup ( a new industry). Unlike many of my audit peers that mostly worked in one industry, I did many inventory counts, counted frozen boxes and bullions, tested payrolls ( I have spent weeks with payroll files as big as the encyclopedia), done 3-point-check reviews, counted petty cash, reviewed AR ledgers, observed undersea water cables, visited construction sites, measured chemical solutions, visited manufacturing sites, held meetings with engineering teams, and even spent weeks reviewing hospital claims. I started over so many times, in different countries, in two different Big 4s, across different teams, in different industries that I instantly enjoyed working in a startup environment, starting from scratch, building the first chart of accounts, the first reconciliations, building teams, creating processes and controls.
I cried when my audit coach told me that I was being moved to another industry as an audit manager, I felt isolated and unwanted… But thinking about it now, the experience gained was priceless as I was able to work on publicly traded tech companies which provided me with a good understanding of how to build control environment and the accounting framework for a tech company (so different from the basic structure of fund accounting or investment management). My failure to become an audit executive, my failure to thrive in one audit industry have been my training ground for my role as an accounting leader, a role that fulfills me.
Rejection is often the best form of redirection. Be adventurous, every new failure is a new asset, every failure is a lesson learned, every failure is a chance to find a permanent home.
Second reflection: nobody will remember your test scores.
My CPA career started with academic failures. I failed all of my CPA exams at first and was miserable each time. I took all of my exams twice. I like to say that the first times were for practice and the second times were the real deal. The first exam failed was the CKE (the Core Knowledge Exam) of the Canadian CPA curriculum in Ontario. This curriculum required that you pass CKE (a multiple choice questions exam) and after attended the School of Accountancy (SOA is a prep summer program school ending with 3 days of case writing) and lastly passed the 3 days of UFE (Unified Final Exam is the final 3 days of case writing for all of Canada).
When I moved to the US, I took the equivalency CPA exam, called IQEX and failed the first time as well. I remember the day I took that exam in September 2010, because my husband proposed on that day and my feeling of failure killed his first proposal and almost killed our relationship. How could he propose after I told him that I had most certainly failed my exam? I also remember the second time I took IQEX - one year after- (and passed) because I was sleep deprived, having spent the night at ER due to my husband suffering from abdominal cramps.
It is rare for people to share their exam failures. Usually, there are social announcements when the exams are passed and congratulations are shared. Every time I failed these exams, I felt horrible and questioned my career choice. Sharing these disappointing results was humiliating. However, I always remembered what my managing partner told me after I failed the CKE. She found me crying in my cubicle and she said: "It does not matter how many times you take the exam, what matters is that you pass. Nobody will remember your score, nobody will remember how many times you took the exam. We only care that you have your title. So get back to work".
Yes, it doesn't matter how many times you failed. What matters is that at the end you succeeded. In fact, I am sure that I only passed UFE once, but I can’t even remember now. What I remember for sure is that my dad traveled to Toronto for my CPA graduation (even though my brother was in the ICU). I remember my friend Thalia's generosity when she chauffeured my dad for the event. I remember that I celebrated with all my heart. More importantly, it doesn't matter if you fail or pass your exams; those who love you, will always love you and will be there for you no matter what.
Again, it doesn't matter how many times you fail. What matters is that you get back to work and that you figure it out. What matters is that you do the work to succeed. These words have kept me going… and I have used each one of my failed exams to learn. I have learned to stop second guessing myself when answering multiple choice questions, I have learned that English is not my first or second language and that I had to adopt some techniques for case writing. I have learned how to properly read and write accounting cases, I have learned to move on and finish all the questions. I have learned that I needed to study, that I needed to focus and that I needed to give myself time to be comfortable with failing. I have learned that exams are just exams, test scores, numbers, that do not define me. I have learned that I am strong enough to do it again, study again, I have learned that I can learn, I have learned that I am strong, that I am resilient and that I will persevere until I succeed.
My failures are my biggest assets, they have taught me how to properly value success, how to not take my CPA title for granted and how to be non-judgmental and to be supportive for those that have failed their exams. Yes, it is ok to fail…
Third reflection : Can you enjoy your failures?
A couple of years ago, one of my bosses told me that I would reach my career plateau at 40. He said that my good years were behind me and my earning potential would be capped sooner rather than later. He encouraged me to settle for a position where I felt undervalued (this was pure ageism and sexism and probably racism). His words that I was failing myself by not taking his offer have haunted me. Is it failing to start over? Is it failing to leave when you are no longer feeling at home? Or is it growth to know that you can do more? Or that you are worth more? Or that you can achieve more? Is it strength to know that you have the energy to start again? Is it grit to not be scared to fail? To try?
His words have not left me because they are my daily reminders that I am good at failing, that I am good at taking chances at 20, at 30, at 40. And yes, I may not be an audit partner, I may have failed all of my exams the first time, I may not be at the top of my career but I enjoy what I have learned through all the detours. I enjoy building strength and resilience. I keep failing and I enjoy it some days, I am in tears on some other days.
As I am raising my daughters, I am learning how to get them comfortable with failing. I tell them it is ok to not know all the answers, to be wrong, to try many times. To enjoy the adventures of learning new thing, to enjoy being uncomfortable with new experiences. I remind them, I remind myself that I enjoy learning what I am not good at. Failures are assets that should be appreciated, that appreciate with time, that multiples through sharing.
I enjoy learning how to fail because I know at the end I will succeed and that success is even more joyful after so many failures. Yes, I enjoy failing, failing has made my successes sweeter and better. Failures have prepared me for success!
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